Eerily, unpleasantly familiar

Just out of college, there was a group of us who hung out a lot. All of us played on a softball team until they moved up and got more competitive; then some of us played and the rest of us cheered from the bench, every game. We went out dancing in the City all the time, at places that no longer exist except fondly in our memories--the Box, Code Blue, and bars whose names I can't even recall any more.

There were, of course, lots and lots of dyke dramas. She's with her but we actually know she's been fooling around with *her* when she's not around, for months or years now. She's with her, but it's really rocky; when it's good, it's really, really good, but when it's off, the arguments are molten. She's with her and still with her, and it still works. She was with her forever and ever, then broke up in a day, and then with someone else literally a day later and still is. Like I said, dyke drama.

One of the gals, whom I'll call Wanda, started getting closer and hanging out more and sometimes making out after a club night with alcohol certainly involved. Always involved. I did some very stupid things with alcohol then. (This was one.) So one night, staying over at another friend's by invitation, we kissed for a while and my hand traveled down her thigh. I touched her inner thigh and was stopped. After being stopped a second time, it was clear: this wasn't going to go anywhere. It was a non-relationship relationship. It sucked. I backed off. IIRC, she was fine with that. (OUCH)

Years later, I met a cute, personable, charismatic women through soccer. She had had a girlfriend on the East Coast, but she was here now. We met up many times, ate, laughed, started having some kisses. I stayed over and we made out but when it got to the point of hands moving lower... she stopped it. Later told me that she was still with her girlfriend. Ugh. Another non-relationship relationship. I backed off and asked for some space. She stopped calling and emailing me after I specifically said not to... but still came to my office and left notes on my desk until I laid out more clearly what NO CONTACT means. sigh

I seem to be in another one. Don't know what the stopping point is, but it is clear to me that I need to step back, much as I don't want to.

Fuck.