Whiny rant--don't read

Acid Reflux Makes Jennie Crabby

I've had an on again, off again uncomfortable thing going on. A week ago Friday, it was horrible. I called the advice nurse. She confirmed my name, my day and evening phone numbers, and asked not only if I were pregnant, but also the date of my last period. She went through all the questions one asks a woman who might be having a heart attack. She was thorough and patient. I passed and she made an appointment for me on Saturday morning. The doctor was, as promised, terrific, and she prescribed Pepcid in some Rx strength. I took it, full of hope.

By last Friday, I was out of hope and the warm, spiky hedgehog had taken up permanent residence in my chest. I called my doc's office and they advised me to take the prescription for a full week before we'd revisit the problem. As required, I continued the Pepcid through Sunday. This morning, I was fed up. Called them again.

They asked me my name, my day and evening phone numbers, whether I was pregnant, and the date of my last period. The advice nurse insisted on reading through the generic Dos and Don'ts of Acid Reflux, even though I have already seriously considered and discarded most of them (spicy food has no effect, lying down has no effect, I don't drink caffeinated drinks, I haven't had alcohol in a month or more). Then she said she'd put a note through to my doctor for what to do next.

2 hours later, I was so uncomfortable that I called back to see what was going on. Even though we had done this dance not 2 hours before, they asked my name, my phone numbers, and the pregnancy questions. I know they have to be thorough, but at this point, I feel like explaining the birds and the bees to them. In order for me to get pregnant, spermatozoans need to come in contact with my body. They have not done so for nearly seven years. I am not the Virgin Mary. No, I am not pregnant. Trust me when I say so.

On a positive note, the generic Prilosec that was prescribed and the blessed Alameda Kaiser pharmacy filled a few minutes after their official lunch closing time seems to be improving my condition already.

But thank you for asking; I am not pregnant.