my soft spot

just a mom who plays hockey and knits

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

More parenting notes

(may be quite dull for y'all, but I just wanted to note this down so I can refer to it again)

From today:

"He can hold out longer than you and you just give up."

She had me make a list of behaviors that I want changed, and a list of consequences. Here are my lists:

Behaviors That Must Change
Talking back
Leaving toys out
Saying "No"
Not doing what you're told

Timout--6 minutes on a chair, Mom does not talk to you
Favorite toy goes away for a week
Lose ALL stories for that night
No art at home that night
No videos or movies that night

(consequences are everything he loves to do)

She is emphatic that I not talk to G, at all, when he's in timeout. G will try to engage with me and my not engaging is crucial (and one of the hardest things for me). If he gets up, I wordlessly lead him back and gently put him back there. If he gets up again, I keep doing it and not start the timer till he's clearly submitted. "You'll know when he's submitted."

I'm to go over both lists with him. When he's in a timeout and the timer dings, I go to him and ask him what he did that he's in a timeout. He must remember it *by himself* and apologize. We just did this (just now) and it was excruciating for him.

The chair for timeouts is to be in the middle of the room with nothing in reach (he leaned over and grabbed something from the table last week).

The timer is to be out of eyeshot for him. (I'd been leaving it in front of him so he can see how long he has left, and can bloody well stay in the chair if it's only a minute!)

"Boundaries make him fight back, but then he'll feel safe." He hasn't had enough boundaries.

No raising my voice at him. (another hard one!) Don't wait till I'm angry. He gets a consequence right away, before it completely irritates me, on the first behavior.

I'm also removing every toy from his room but a chosen 10 and moving them downstairs. He is living in chaos and it "makes him feel unsafe." (and it makes me crazy)

He gets 10 toys for the week. He can exchange up to 10 of them each week for new toys. This includes puzzles and dress-up toys but not books.

The toys he doesn't tend to choose after a while, I can get rid of guiltlessly.

All he will have in his room is a dresser, bed, shelves, and a desk. We need to get him a desk, as he doesn't have one. I'll be teaching him to keep his desk clean as well as his room.

One of the behaviors is moving slowly. This is one the list because I tell him to move faster and he doesn't--"Not doing what you're told." If it makes him late to school because he chooses not to move faster, then he has to tell the attendance office why he's late. (This will also be hard for me, as I have a lot of guilt wrapped up in bringing him late.)

If he is slow getting ready for bed, he loses his stories. If he already lost his stories that night, he loses them for the next night.

And there is no negotiating. I am telling him the rules. Period.

Phew. And this comes with no salary?!?


At 1:50 PM, June 15, 2006, Blogger Dharma said...


You are doing deep work here and I hope you can honour the steps you are taking on your behalf and Graham's.

much love

At 10:15 AM, June 16, 2006, Blogger wen said...

Sounds like you've got a great plan!

At 11:00 AM, June 16, 2006, Blogger Wyatt's Mom said...

Wait a minute, no salary? Oh well crap!

At 3:00 PM, June 16, 2006, Blogger Andrea said...

it's not dull to me, i'm always interested to see how people work with their kids to get the desired behavior out of them.

good luck!


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