Y'all go on without me

Friends all around me who have had committed relationships, with or without a commitment ceremony in the recent or distant past, are getting married in droves. Overall, it's been a sweet experience to see so many affirming what's always been true, but is now really, honestly, legally recognized by the Golden State.

I don't begrudge them a thing, honestly. But the whole marriage-equality thing has been hypothetical for me always. Folks would get up in arms, red in the face, furious, and yeah, I get it, but I don't get it, you know? It doesn't really mean anything in my life except for some future possibility.

So this morning, a coworker who has had a tough time romantically but recently met a woman through friends told me they're getting married. And she's pregnant (congrats to them both). And then it really hit me, how lonely I am feeling these days. Some good friends from college days are getting married on Sunday, and I realized yesterday that I so wish I had a date for the wedding, or better yet, a girlfriend. I love weddings and get all teary and emotional, and I'd love to share that depth of emotion with someone. And on the flipside, I worry that I'll get too tipsy and say something stupid. It has happened, in the distant past, but it is seared into my memory (I wonder if anyone else remembers that stupid wedding toast, ah me). And this all makes me not want to go... but I have to. I love these two friends dearly and wish they could turn up pregnant like my friend's girlfriend did. They have never had kids because they think it is too hard on the kids to have two moms (this, in Gay Mecca). So I do just feel like saying, Y'all go on without me. I'll catch up later.

Yep, this fifth wheel thing is getting old.