Was it good? No.

It was fantastic. It was fun, funny, wonderful, romantic, interesting. As was she.

Now, how to get through the week till Friday?

What panic looks like for me

I just had a fleeting thought as I passed through my bedroom, upon spotting some magazines: I wish I could just stay home tonight and go through my Martha Stewart Living magazines and rip out the articles I want to keep.


Moronic. Do I want to go on this date? Yes. Do I think it'll be awful? No, quite the contrary.


So what is up? I am feeling pressure--that I'll have a big zit/break my shoe*/get too tipsy/spill/talk with food in my mouth/drive badly on the way to the restaurant. Wow, now I'm more nervous. Crap!


*actually happened on a date: stepped off the curb in my FMPs and broke a heel. Had to go into a Chinatown store and buy some cheapie shoes for the rest of the date. Agh! I loved those shoes. Couldn't walk a foot in them today.


Those magazines are looking pretty good right about now... but not good enough!

Forget baby: Momma needs a new pair o'shoes!

I'm going shopping today (and probably tomorrow) for a new, sexy outfit. Yes, sports fans: I have a date Saturday night!

This is a friend of a friend whom I finally met in May and asked said friend, "So, what's her story?" and friend exploded, "She's who I've been trying to match you up with for months now!" (although I do think friend used better grammar)

So, I made the phone call, it got lost in voice mail hell, it was retrieved, the date was set.

Now, to panic.

Go, Philadelphia!

Just read this on another knitter's blog.

Maybe a grassroots movement can finally get under way and oust the horrid council members who are continuing this awful discrimination. We did join Scouting For All, as I really believe in this, and always wanted to be an Eagle Scout, myself.

Yay Mayor Street!

Where is my right arm?

My friend is helping me transition my stuff from my old Blue & White Mac G3 to a newer G4. Something didn't cooperate last night, so she took both machines home to work on them some more. (Thanks!!)

This morning, I found myself walking to the computer desk to check my email. Oops!

A little later, I wanted to check the schedule of something online. Nope!

Found myself going to check my email again a little later. Sorry!

It is so funny. I never thought I was that addicted. Computers Anonymous, anyone?

Weekend recap

Friday
Our city's Rec & Parks department saw fit to arrange an outdoor family movie for Friday night. It was really great fun. Families were encouraged to bring picnic lunches and arrive 6:30ish with chairs and blankets. The movie was scheduled for 8:15. We got there about 7 and were given a drawstring plastic bag with some coupons (free "now all natural" 7-Up) and 2 hair products and a very sexist "Help Mommy Get Beautiful" booklet. (WTF?) Then we went in through the gate and were offered our choice of new Diet Pepsi "Jazz" flavors in a 2-liter bottle. Neither was caffeine-free but I was too curious not to grab one. We got "Black Cherry/French Vanilla." I tasted it today and it is very sweet and kinda odd.

On Saturday, I stashed the bottle and we headed to the baseball outfield to find a spot. I chose a fairly central spot and set up our chairs. They had some kid's activities, so I walked over with G to do them. The one he liked best involved going in a big inflated cylinder and having a Park & Rec guy roll him down to a cone and back. He did it like 3 times, in between eating some of his sandwich. They also did kid games on the infield while he was being rolled. They were pretty cute but dang they could have had more prizes! Only 3 kids got prizes at all, out of, in the end, easily 70 kids participating (the last one was that game where you have the line of kids join hands and they have to pass a Hula Hoops down the row, each kid going through the hoop, without dropping hands).

Finally, about 8:30, they started Nanny McPhee. It was really very good. Lots of actors I didn't know, some very good ones I did, and the ending was not as I expected, which I always like. It didn't end till about 10:00, though, which is pretty darned late for G, so it was hard to get us all packed and out of there. Home about 10:30 and my boy really conked out, shoes on and all.

Saturday
We didn't have anything special going on on Saturday morning, thank goodness, because we had a lazy morning. I had a card-stamping party to get to by 2PM (1:30 when she called to ask if I could bring my 5' table), so we finally got going maybe 11:30. I wanted to go to Costco but realized we wouldn't be able to get there & back in time, not on a possibly busy Saturday. So we buzzed by the library and went to the party.

Which was fun! I made two cards, learned a bit more about this stuff, and had a good time. After dinner out together with some of the other families, we went to Orinda to pick up a cable modem I'd arranged to buy. I was hoping it would be plug & play but the "Online" light never lit up when I tried it. Oh, well, more work on that later. (I need to return the original modem to my Internet provider, as they'll be charging me $10/mo in a few days.)

We got to bed fairly early, because...

Sunday
...we were registered for a kayaking trip for queer families out at Moss Landing. I had thought I could do a 9:30AM kayak trip and be at my 2:30PM game with no trouble. Then I read on the description that we were due to be out of the water at 2PM! Oy. I debated and finally decided to commit to the trip, as I had never seen a kid-friendly kayak trip advertised before. Felt bad about missing the game, though.

We left the house at 7:15AM and made good time, even with stopping for drive-thru breakfast.
Got there right on the dot of 9:30 and a gal in a "ONE LESS [sic] CAR" t-shirt came right up to my car and said, "Are you Jeannie?" (close enough) "Well, the tour leader has been trying to call everyone. She has a stomach bug and has to cancel." Note that there were no messages at work, home, or on my cell phone, ever. Annoying.

But I spotted a friend from my childbirth class and we all joined onto a family tour and had a great time. I had wanted to see sea otters and we must have seen 15-20, as well as harbor seals, cormorants, and other cool wildlife. My friend's family and we had lunch together afterward and parted ways, them to Monterey Bay Aquarium and us for home. I didn't want to go over 17 again for fear of being stuck in beach traffic, so I decided to take 152 to 101 instead.

Turns out I was thinking of 156 from Monterey to 101, which is fairly straight and quite quick. 152 wends its way around Watsonville for quite a while and then twists and turns through the hills, past Mt Madonna State Park (very pretty; lots of redwoods), toward Gilroy. There is not one single road sign saying, "100,000,000 miles till Gilroy" at all. It's endless.

As we approached Gilroy, I thought, "Hm, isn't 152 where Bonfante Gardens is?" and lo and behold! it was. And as we have VIP passes to Great America, they get us in free to BG. BG is way better for younger kids, so I decided we'd stop there instead. Got out of the car and was nearly pushed backward by the enormous wave of heat. (Record-setting heat for both Saturday and Sunday in Gilroy. Lucky us.)

Not to be put off, we shouldered forward and had a really rather nice, if sweaty, time there. The guys at one of the food places were very, very nice about giving us ice water again and again and not charging (as some folks do) for the paper cup.

Headed home about 6:30PM. G asked what we were having for dinner and promptly fell asleep, not waking till this morning.

Doormat, or @sshole?

My therapist has suggested that I go through a lot of life being a doormat. Yeah, not a great thing to hear, but as I told her, the cat's out of the bag. I can't go back. I look over my life and see tons of ways in which I act as a floor covering.

It is painful. It is awful. Awareness can be excruciating.

When I'm not dwelling on the pain, though, I see that much of the problem comes from having been taught by my mother to be this way:

If your houseguests get up before you do, you must immediately hop out of bed and start breakfast, as if this was the time you had intended to get up.

If someone holds a door open for you, you are not only obligated to go through it right at that time, but to thank the person.

If you are a houseguest and hear your hosts get up, you must get up at that time, even if you are very tired and otherwise a good houseguest.


A lot of it stems from assumptions. Mom & I had an interesting conversation while at the cabin: there was a huge pile of unfolded laundry near her bed in the downstairs bedroom. I said that maybe I'd fold it for my aunt as a kindness. She said, "You never do something that wasn't asked for." And yet, she herself did plenty of things that weren't asked for. Take the towels: the downstairs bathroom is currently the only one with a working shower. It has six towel bars up on the wall, all of which held a green towel and matching washcloth when we arrived. When we were making our plans for laundering everything before we left, I said my sister and I would hang them back up where we'd found them. Mom said absolutely not; they should be folded and put... I have no idea where. There wasn't room in that bathroom (small pile of hand towels and washcloths on the back of the toilet), and there were no green towels in the upstairs bathroom on its towel holder. It sure seemed more convenient to me to hang the towels back up; that way, the future guests would simply have an unwrinkled towel right there near the shower. (Mom left earlier than I and my sister and I agreed to hang the towels up.)

Several things came up over the weekend where Mom thought I should do an above-and-beyond X and I thought perhaps it was OK with my aunt to simply do the sufficient Y. Every time, Aunt was OK with Y. She's a very easy-going person and I do think Mom's X choices made her uncomfortable. How should someone feel if a houseguest thoroughly scrubs a kitchen sink without being asked? I'd feel a little insulted and uncomfortable.

Anyway, my attempts not to be a doormat are just as uncomfortable as the notion that I should constantly think about being a throw rug. I am caught up in, "OK, but does this choice throw me to the other end, where I'm now being an asshole?" I have to think what I want to do and try not to think of what others want from me instead. I hate to feel unreliable, unkind, insensitive. She says I want to be perfect for my friends. Uh, yeah.

Guess I've got to give that up. OK, you've been warned; get ready for me, warts and all!

Is there spinach in my teeth?

Not there yet

I forgot my acid reflux pills (generic Prilosec) all weekend. No probs. Decided to forgo it today; am paying the price. Oh, well. I'll do a trial again in a few weeks.

Rats.

the weekend

Friday
I dropped Maddy off at noon, which took all of my lunch hour (getting her stuff together and driving her there & getting back) so I didn't get a single thing loaded into the car. Fortunately, I'd been working on getting all the stuff to be packed by the garage door, so when I got off work at 5PM & picked up G, I got most of the stuff loaded pretty darn quickly. In fact, I stood there for a minute, going, "That was just too easy."

Despite that part, getting everything else, including my clothes & our beach stuff, packed took a while. It didn't help that the cold stuff wasn't assembled in the fridge and that I nearly forgot the pack of hot dogs that was to be Saturday dinner.

Finally, we set off about 6PM, anticipating setting the tent up at 7:30PM. But Bay Area Traffic willed it not to be so. We hit a slowdown at the Coliseum, zoomed up the lovely carpool lanes in Hayward/Fremont, then hit another slowdown at the constriction of lanes by the NUMMI plant. Went through most of SJ well, but hit another slowdown (anticipated, at least) just before Campbell (aftermath of someone's flat tire). Then, just to make me completely nuts, we hit yet another slowdown at Los Gatos. Beach traffic?

We finally got to our campsite (off G Hill Road, I kid you not) about 8PM. I whipped us both into action and we got our tent set up in no time. I fired up the stove and pulled out the Mac & Cheese... only to realize it was the "Microwave ONLY" type. Not to be deterred, I drowned it in boiling water and let it sit for a bit. When it was done it was still a little chalky. I drained most of the water and added the powder and G declared it the best Mac & Cheese he'd ever had. (Excellent. Low standards.) I got a fire started, which predictably died down, then got it going again for marshmallows for G.

We snuggled into our wonderful Coleman sleeping bags and drifted off. Aaaah.

Saturday
I woke up a couple of times and looked at my watch with a flashlight. When I determined it was 8:40, I got up and started breakfast. Realized about a half-hour later that it had been 6:40AM. Oh, well! We poured out our cereal and I poured some of the Horizon Organic milk on my cereal, dazedly noting that it was unnaturally thick. This was a small single-serve box that I'd had on the shelf. Checked the date, and yep, would have been good last year... I chucked my cereal and we got into the car to go to Safeway for fresh milk, ice, and hair gel (I'd forgotten mine completely and that ain't pretty). Back to the campsite and enjoyed our cereal and milks.

Phoned my LA friend and woke her up (she of the "I'm up at 8AM" story; not this time!). We had a miscommunication till I realized she was still in Berkeley (I had thought they'd be in Santa Cruz from Friday on!). Since it sounded like they'd be moving slow, I got us ready and out on a hike. Wonderful! We went up to the Observation Platform, from where you can see... lots of trees, and then discovered a shorter route back to the campground, so we had a new, interesting, and less complaint-producing route back home. G is a better hiker than ever, but still had to insist on me carrying him the rest of the way. Not gonna happen, pardner. We found some fascinating, huge ants with mostly red bodies on the way. Cut back into camp and right away recognized the showers we'd used that morning. (One quarter for 2 minutes. I hadn't realized we could both shower in under 4 minutes.)

Had lunch and settled down for a nap. I napped well, but G just kept flopping around, periodically trying to nap on me. Yuck. Not in the noonday heat, thankyouverymuch. Got a call from my LA friend--ugh, caught in horrible beach traffic. Slowly roused myself and got us ready to go meet her. Got the campsite cleaned up and finally got the call that they'd arrived. We went off to meet them (G finally napping on the way) and ended up going to the Boardwalk, where I hadn't been since the mid-80s. It has changed a lot. We decided to use 2 of the free certificates for wristbands for the kids and let them take rides. This place also has tons of carny games, which I hate but my friend's gf loves--and is good at. We played a few at her insistance, and when we lost, G lost it but good. That competitive gene can be a curse.

Finally, we did the water-pistol-in-the-clown's-mouth one, just when a zillion people sat down, and our balloon burst first! G won a huge purple shark ("Sharky," of course) and was content for the rest of the day. Finally, at 10PM we returned to our campsite, just as we'd left it. I love the Camper's Honor Code. It's not like a little zipper is going to keep someone out of your tent.

Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park
This campground is one of the undiscovered jewels of CA State Parks, I'll tell you. I got the very last campsite available from the online reservation system at this or any local state park. I thought, "Either it's an awful site and everyone else knows, or it's a handicapped-only or bicycle camp site." It was neither (although a number of the sites were marked as handicapped-accessible) but, I swear, the best site I saw. Easy access, pretty, plenty of privacy, close to the bathrooms, reasonably close to the showers, level, and plenty of room for our Hilton Tower tent. Great hiking trails for kids, poison oak but really not a lot of it ("unlike Big Basin," as one of the park rangers pointed out), not a lot of mosquitos, no insane raccoons or even squirrels.

And 15 minutes to Santa Cruz! The "day use" part of the park, although we had to drive to it (I think adults could hike to it in maybe 1/2-1 hour) was also lovely, even though we didn't have time to really enjoy it. And next to that were the Roaring Camp trains! Next time, next time.

Sunday
We got up reasonably early on Sunday and got our campsite entirely packed by 9:15AM, which is not bad, considering I'd planned on 9AM. Met some folks at the Santa Cruz Diner, ended by a Michigan gal from the moms list (whom I had to meet, then leave, as I realized I'd been there 2 hours and was now stir-crazy!). We all met up again at Seabright Beach, which was truly lovely. I played in the water and sand with G for a while, even though the water is take-your-breath-away cold. We sat and chatted till we had to leave, picked up sandwiches on the way out of town, G falling asleep the second he was done eating. Got home, unpacked in a hurry, threw my hockey gear in the car, sat down to rest... then realized I was supposed to pick up Maddy. Sigh. Shoved my gear out of the way, got an unwilling G into the car, and picked her up. She had been so good for them the past weekend and most of this! But after they left her in the house for the afternoon, she shredded and ate an entire box of biscuits as well as peed and pooped in their house. ugh. The joys of an older dog. Took her home and left the back door completely open and put up gates to keep her in the kitchen. (Successful.)

Hockey
Went off to my game, after driving back for the roster and score sheets (just in case--trying to keep those in my hockey bag!). We only had 8 v. 8, so played 4 on 4 (too bad, as we are still trying to learn positioning!). The game went well with lots of quick changes (although I find myself impatient with new folks climbing slowly over the wall!). We were nearly even on shots and were 1-1 till the last half of the last period. I was really pleased, though. We had a sub who had not subbed before and she did great! I had some fun little plays, too, including a few shots from near the blue line.

And the best news... G rooted for me! Which is great because he's finally watching the game. I have been waiting for this moment, packing him snacks and books and the now-stolen portable DVD player. This time, he ate his two snacks in the car ("I'm hungry again, Mom" "Too bad, sweetie; we'll have dinner afterward") and only brought Sharky and his water. But he did wonderfully and enjoyed the game. And the ice was pretty solid! I expected pools, it being hot & at Belmont...

Great weekend, all around.

Fondue, a little disappointing

A bunch of us met for fondue at Fondue Fred's on Thursday. It was great to see Val again, who has changed so much. She is intriguing and was tracking my face a lodfdsft, which is mesmerizing to me, too. G and his friend Sarah ran around like wild things and Isaiah kept up with them pretty well.

I did make a mistake: I didn't wear my low-cut Cleavage Dress and the guy who is usually there and gives us lots of free stuff wasn't there. Dang it! and they took the tortellini off the menu, but did begrudgingly (and for an extra fee) make it for Liz. The gal who helped us was really not great. She never offered us any wine (which comes free) and insisted we get unlimited amounts of 6 fondues that we choose initially... which is not my understanding. (Mine is that for one price we get unlimited fondues off the top part of the menu, and for the higher price we get unlimited of whatever ones we want.) Plus, the Classic was awful--lumpy and tasted like unsalted glue. Not anything like last time.

I think our LA visitors were surprised at how expensive it was (and they charged us for the kids, who hardly ate anything at all!). Yuck.

Not sure we'll be going back there now, after 2 great visits in the past. Disappointing.

I had a date!

I put a personal ad on craig's list (now expired) and got 2 serious responses. The wild redhead from SF just stopped replying but the interesting El Cerrito mom kept emailing.

We met for coffee a few Saturdays back. Dharma and her gf watched G for me. I thought it would be about an hour, and didn't want to overstay my welcome with them.

So the gal and I talked for about an hour. At the end of the hour, I realized there was really no chemistry and that I was starting to recognize traits in her that I'd seen in other dykes that I really didn't care too much for. But it was fine--she was interesting and we had a good conversation. But the hour was up and I said I needed to get back, so we said good-bye and parted.

Dharma and gf said, "Oh, that's too bad!" when I said there was no chemistry.

Ha! It was fine. It was a first date after a long time of no dating and she could have been

• Completely annoying
  
• Totally boring
  
• Painfully shy
  

...or one of many other things. A great start to getting back into dating, I think!

Coming out to my child

My ex-boyfriend from college is in town. He emailed me to see if we could get together. We met for dessert last night. He is a sweet, intelligent, kind man to whom I'm glad I'm not married. There are things that would drive me crazy if I were married to him that I can laugh off now. I am really glad that we are still in touch, though. He is a good one.

On the way to our meeting place, I told G that N had been my sweetie.

"How can he be your sweetie? He's not a girl!" he protested.

Ah, coming out. It's never finished.

Interesting takes on relationships

My sister and I shared our worries about last weekend ahead of time. Both had to do with our mom, but interestingly, were pretty different.

My sister worried about my mom's comments like, "Oh, I know I'll want to eat a lot at dinner tonight, so I'll just have a salad for lunch." or "I'll just have a light breakfast so I can have a pastry for lunch." I remember once when she asked me how many pieces of bacon I'd had. I wouldn't tell her. It felt like she was checking up on me. She insisted that she just wanted to be fair--she didn't want to take the last piece of bacon if someone else hadn't had their fair share. Just eat the freaking bacon, Mom.

Anyway, that hadn't come up for me this visit. What I was worried about was when she would see G do something questionable and would lean in to me and hiss, "You have got to control your child!" or something awful. As if he is programmable or something. So I practiced saying, "I am responsible for myself and my child. You just have to trust that I am responsible for him."

It was OK. Mom did make a comment about eating but I don't think Maura was around. G behaved pretty darn well (except for the last day when he wanted to make the kids' beds and just couldn't control himself well enough and ended up throwing his shoes at me, and--surprise!--didn't get to make the kids' beds).

Interesting how we can come at things from such different directions.

Last weekend

This was a long one. Last weekend started last Thursday and ended yesterday. Phew!

It was a family get-together for my mom's 70th birthday (I never told you that!). My uncle's new wife has a cabin in Nevada City and we all went up there for the long weekend. The plan was for me and my sister to get there early and spend a couple of days together before the hordes arrived. Well, her car did not cooperate, and in fact, by Thursday, she was renting a car to come down in. Her car's bearings (or some other part that is important for the car to continue moving forward) are shot.

On the way there, I met up with a gal from my April 2000 board. My mom asked, "How can you be meeting someone for the first time who you've known for seven years?" Ah, the Internet. Said friend was great, just as I thought she'd be, but taller. (O'course, from my POV, almost everyone is tall.) Then I went by a fantastic yarn store and browsed a bit till G lost it, which gave me a good excuse to put back some ugly yarn he'd picked out--excellent. We got back into the car and headed up to N.C.

So G and I had a nice evening all to ourselves at the cabin-slash-mansion (4 bedrooms, big loft plus living room, 3 bathrooms, kitchen, 2 car garage and deck on 2 sides; damn, I want to LIVE there!).We went to bed early and went out the next morning, he on his bike and me on foot, to look for the lake. We didn't find it but he got some good practice in back-braking, which he hadn't had to do in our flat little town.

Later, when some folks arrived, we went down to the lake (Scotts Flat Reservoir) and had some time in the water--till I was nipped for the second time (fish? crayfish?) and got out. The lake is very big and has some nice coves, which we investigated on two of the days in my inflatable kayak.

We went into town a few of the days, and Nevada City is just charming. Very sweet. Nice shops but not Rodeo-Drive pricey. I got a gifty for my ex who watched Maddy (and will take her again for camping this weekend). I also discovered iced decaf with a shot of caramel, oh yum.

It was hot but not too hot and not muggy at all. Fabulous! I was convinced that the house was air-conditioned because it was bit chilly in the mornings, but my uncle pointed out that the outlets of the air conditioner outside weren't even connected!

On Sunday, I made crab enchiladas with homemade tomatillo salsa for the dinner. I had gotten the crab from our local meat market (and will go back there--the meat looks like it is of really nice quality!) for a jillion dollars, and found canned tomatillos at our Safeway, after they'd put me on hold for like 15 minutes and then came back to tell me they didn't have them. (Not only did they have them, but they were on sale!) The enchiladas were very, very good. I gave my mom a purpleheart-wood shuttle for her weaving and a book of natural dyeing. I had bought her what she'd asked for ("a nice mechanical pencil, the kind where you push in the side to make the lead advance") but have mislaid it, all $2.49 worth. (She also asked for a new Sharpie pen, which my sister got for her.)

We all had a great time and then my sister and I had a blowout Monday night. It was interesting to recognize that the way we fought was so classic from our childhood. She didn't think she had to apologize but pulled me aside the next morning and we ironed things out. I was really proud of myself for being able to state my side without being defensive and to recognize her dismissive behavior. Growth is interesting (and sometimes painful).

They all had to skedaddle so I ended up staying to mop the floor and make the last 3 beds. I cleaned like I've never cleaned before. I really want to be invited back; it's so fantastic! And maybe 3 hrs drive away, if that. Can. Not. Wait.

The tally

I just dropped off 16 bags of clothes, toys, and household stuff at Salvation Army. And two more bags of books at the Friends of the Library donation spot.

Phew.

Kitchen: glowing; bathroom: glowing; self: tired.

I had Sistahs with Brushes here on Saturday to whip my bathroom and kitchen into shape. And did they ever. With a grand total of 13.5 woman-hours of work on Saturday, they scrubbed both rooms within an inch of their lives. Went through what must have been 40 rags, washed them, and used them all up all over again. I honestly didn't think those rooms could get that clean and they honestly glowed and gleamed. In the midst of it, I had to make many hard decisions about what to keep and what to throw away. I still have a small bag chock-full of papers to go through and file, either in manila folders or in the recycle bin.

I also dropped off 8 paper bags of donations at Salvation Army and have the equivalent of 14 more stacked in my living room. I would love to go through them, listing the contents into my digital voice recorder (that thing is worth its weight in gold) for typing in later, but... I am too freaking tired. Maybe tomorrow.

In the end, many, many good friends helped out, before, during, and after, and I salute you with all my heart.

Plus, I rediscovered my dining-room table, no small feat.